Hello! And welcome to Punching the Left’s first ever Celebrity Liberal Summit! I’m Spencer Wolfe and I’m just pleased as punch to be hosting this historic and auspicious event! This is Punching the Lefts’s first podcast and it’s being brought to you live from Bobo restaurant in the trendy West Village neighborhood of lower Manhattan. Thanks to the majestic exclusivity of this event, we were able to get this beautiful dining facility all to ourselves and during our podcast we’ll be projecting images of our participants so as to better give you, our audience, a truer, more thrilling sense of being here with us!
Now as you all know, this 2012 election season is really starting to heat up and who better to bring together to discuss our great nation’s most critical political issues than some of our finest celebrity liberals? So, without further ado, let’s take a moment to greet and introduce our distinguished panel.
First, sitting to my left, the beautiful hostess of the recent celebrity fundraiser to re-elect President Barack Obama, and former star of the hit HBO show, Sex and the City, Mrs. Sarah Jessica Parker! It’s a real treat to have you here with us, Sarah. How are you tonight?
Sarah Jessica Parker: I’m wonderful, Spencer! And it’s a pleasure to be here!
Me: The pleasure is mine, Sarah. So I see you’re wearing a mink coat? Isn’t late June a little warm to be wearing a coat like that?
Sarah Jessica Parker: It is, Spencer. But President Obama told me at my fundraiser that he won’t leave office until Hell freezes over. And since I’m fully aware of climate change I feel that if the President is warning me of such a catastrophic event then I need to be prepared.
Me: Um…okay…well you look great!
Sarah Jessica Parker: Thank you! I take my role as a glamorous celebrity liberal very seriously.
Me: Of course you do! Okay, next up and sitting across from me is a man who has redefined what it means to be a celebrity liberal. I’m thrilled to welcome the great actor, credit card spokesman, and current number one ranked Punching the Left celebrity liberal, Mr. Alec Baldwin!
Alec Baldwin: How ya doing, Wolfe?
Me: I’m great, Al-
Alec Baldwin: Say, Wolfe! Is that a tasar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me!?
Me: Ha ha. Good one, Alec. And yes, it is actually a tasar. It’s a wild world we’re living in and you can’t be too-
Alec Baldwin: Wolfe, you wimp! You don’t need a tasar. If someone gives you a hard time you just scream and act like you want to fight them! Then you go onto twitter and tell everyone about it. Like there was this incident with this photographer the other day who looked at me funny and I grabbed-
Me: Okay! Thank you, Alec. Let’s now introduce our third celebrity liberal. Sitting to my right, one of the hosts of the hit daytime talk show The View, Ms. Joy Behar! Thanks for being here, Joy. How are you?
Joy Behar: Let me ask you a question, Mr. Wolfe. Why does Sarah Jessica Parker get to sit to your left but I have to sit on the right? I hate the right. George Bush is on the right. Is it because Sarah is more attractive than me? You do know that’s a form of sexual discrimination don’t you? I can call my attorney right now and-
Me: Thanks, Joy! It’s great to have you here. And finally, I’d like to welcome our fourth celebrity liberal. World renowned actor and celebrity liberal activist, Mr. George Clooney! George, I see you snooping around behind the bar. What are you looking for?
George Clooney: Good to be here, Spencer. I can’t find the pineapple juice. Do you know where it is?
Me: You know I’m not sure, George, but isn’t it a bit early to be mixing drinks? And did you really have to bring your little pug with you?
George Clooney: It’s not too early. I become more handsome when I drink and the dog sitter had to cancel. The dog will wet himself if he’s alone.
Alec Baldwin: Ha! Sounds like you on a Friday night, Clooney!
Me: Alright, alright. Easy Alec. Okay, let’s start off with the issue of the trillions of dollars of debt we are currently facing.
Sarah Jessica Parker: Oh, believe me, I know all about debt. Sometimes I go on shopping sprees and will max out four credit cards. It’s a difficult subject for me to talk about and I blame the city of New York for having so many stores I want to shop at. President Obama should make some sort of law banning stores from encouraging people to shop there. It’s really not fair.
Alec Baldwin: Sarah, you are nowhere near as hot as you used to be but you’re absolutely right. Mayor Bloomberg has the right idea with that soda thing. I hate fat people and I hate soda so good for him!
Me: Um, guys, those are interesting points but I’m talking about the trillions of dollars of national debt.
Sarah Jessica Parker: I don’t care about that. I don’t shop at a place called National.
Joy Behar: Don’t talk to me about national debt! George W. Bush forced President Obama to create that debt!
Me: How is that possible, Joy? And please don’t shout in the studio.
Joy Behar: Oh, but you let Alec Baldwin shout!? I see how this works! The man can shout all he wants but the woman has to just sit there and look stupid like Sarah!
Sarah Jessica Parker: Hey!
George Clooney: Joy, why don’t you settle down and have a glass of tequila. I just started my own label.
Alec Baldwin: Ha. Clooney you wuss! I could drink you under the table any day of the week and Joy can yell all she wants. How else could someone who looks like her get to be on tv?
Me: Okay gang, we seem to be getting off topic.
Alec Baldwin: You’re off topic, Wolfe!
Sarah Jessica Parker: Spencer, that first question was really difficult and I think better when I’m drinking. My character Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City used to drink all the time. George, can you make me a Cosmo while you’re over there at the bar?
Joy Behar: Oh, don’t you mean Skanks and the City?
Me: Joy, please. I’m warning you.
George Clooney: Of course, Sarah. I’ll make you one for each question.
Me: Okay. Since that first question completely tanked, let’s move on to issue number two.
Alec Baldwin: Don’t talk to be about the number two, Wolfe! I’m the number one ranked Baldwin in America. The best!
Me: Um, okay…issue number-I mean our next issue involves the current U.S. unemployment level which under President Obama has now risen to a staggering 14.5%.
Sarah Jessica Parker: I’ve heard of unemployment. During my $40,000 per plate fundraiser-
Joy Behar: Which I wasn’t invited to!
Sarah Jessica Parker: I’m sorry, Joy. Michelle said she doesn’t trust your girth and that you make her think of Oprah.
Alec Baldwin: I hate employment. There was this time on American Airlines when I was playing the game Words with Friends on my Iphone and the airplane employment person said I had to turn it off for takeoff. And I said no way! This game is important you fascist jerk! And I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door.
George Clooney: You did that because you hadn’t had enough tequila to drink.
Me: Celebrities, please. We need to stay on track. George, do you support President Obama’s decision to grant amnesty to illegal immigrants when our own citizens are having a difficult enough time finding jobs?
George Clooney: Of course I support the President. When we were at Sarah’s the other night Barack told me over a glass of tequila that anyone who opposses this is a racist and hates tequila. Now, I’m not a racist and I love tequila, so I said Mr. President-
Alec Baldwin: Clooney! You are a light weight! When I drink I punch out reporters! When you drink you go and look at yourself in the mirror!
Sarah Jessica Parker: May I ask you all now a very pressing question?
Me: Wow, Sarah. You actually sound serious. Please, go ahead.
Sarah Jessica Parker: If we release Sex and the City 3 direct to dvd will you watch it?
Alec Baldwin: No.
George Clooney: Probably not.
Joy Behar: So let me get this straight. Michelle Obama tells you to not invite me to your party after I’ve been spending all this time on The View defending her scrawny, effeminate husband!?
Me: I feel a migraine coming on so let’s get to the next issue.
Alec Baldwin: You’re an issue, Wolfe!
Me: Note to self: Next time invite Jon Stewart instead of Baldwin.
Alec Baldwin: Wolfe, I can’t hear you!
Me: What? Oh sorry. Alright! Next issue! Many of President Obama’s critics have accused the President of being an elitist-
Joy Behar: You’re damn right he’s elite!
Sarah Jessica Parker: No Joy, I think what he means is that-
Joy Behar: Oh, you’re thinking now?
George Clooney: Well, the Cosmopolitans I made Sarah have a lot of tequila in them-
Sarah Jessica Parker: What! You mixed tequila in this!?
George Clooney: And Sarah said drinking helps her think. It helps me think too. When I’m at my mansion in Italy I’ll sit on the terrace for hours thinking about President Obama and drinking tequila.
Alec Baldwin: Clooney, I’m going to tell you one last time, you are the biggest softy in the business. Have you seen my deranged Twitter rants about Sean Hannity? Well I do that when I’m drinking! What do you do when you’re drinking? You take a hot bubble bath and make out with yourself in the mirror above the tub. Case closed!
Me: Alec, didn’t you host a radio show on Air America that was cancelled after the first thirty seconds?
Alec Baldwin: I did, Wolfe. It was great. I talked about Sean Hannity the entire time.
Me: Very good. Okay, before I end the biggest mistake of my career let’s get to the fourth and final topic. It seems as if the agenda of the environmental protection agency is at direct odds with -and even undermining- the American economy. Has the cause of climate change been pushed too far?
Sarah Jessica Parker: The planet is very important to me. I’ve lived on it my whole life. Sometime when I’m shopping I start to cry because I know everything will be underwater in a few years and my closet will drown.
Alec Baldwin: Wolfe, nobody cares more about the planet or the economy than me. And when I’m not attacking reporters, obsessing over Sean Hannity, or getting thrown off of airplanes, I’m thinking how the two can coexist. Just like me and my brothers. My brothers know I’m the best Baldwin and that’s what makes our relationship work. The enviroment and the economy are the same type of thing. As long as they know I’m better than both of them we’ll get a long just fine. I know it, you know it, and even nancy boy Clooney knows it.
Me: Wow. My head is really starting to hurt.
Joy Behar: Let me ask you a question, Mr. Wolfe. Before George Bush was there a problem with the environment or the economy?
Me: Well, yeah, I mean-
Joy Behar: Exactly! There wasn’t! George Bush created this mess and President Obama is doing everything he can to clean it up!
George Clooney: Joy is right. This is all Bush’s fault. I can’t even enjoy a bottle of tequila without wondering if tomorrow my mansion in Los Angeles will be covered in ice.
Alec Baldwin: Alright, that’s it George! Party’s over!
Me: Alec, sit down or I’ll have to tasar you!
Alec Baldwin: Stuff it, Wolfe! Clooney’s been cramping my style all night! Time to let the big dog-
Me: Phew…alright then, with Alec Baldwin incapacitated, Clooney cowering behind the bar, and none of my questions answered, I’d like to thank Sarah Jessica Parker and Joy Behar for-
Joy Behar: Oh, of course, you thank the pretty, skinny girl first. Let me tell you something, Wolfe, I-
Me: Ah……hey…wow, I think my headache is starting to feel better. And on that happy note, I’d like to thank all of you for tuning in to Punching the Left’s first annual Celebrity Liberal Summit! See you all next year!
Sarah Jessica Parker: Bye!
Copyright 2012 Spencer Wolfe
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