Mitt Romney has a conversation with the Spirit of America

Spirit of America:  Hello, Mitt!

Mitt?

Mitt?

Damn, he’s lost in thought.   Mitt!  Can you hear me, Mitt?!

Mitt:  Who?  What?  Where is this voice coming from?  Is this MSNBC creeping around my front lawn again?!   I told you people that-

Spirit of America:  I’m not the media, Mitt.

Mitt:  You’re not?  Hmm…not the media…wait a second…a deep, booming, disembodied voice inside my kitchen at three in the morning…whoa, wow, is this God speaking to me!?

Spirit of America:  No, Mitt.  This isn’t God.  This is the Spirit of America.   I saw that you were up late pacing around again and decided it would be a good time to talk.

Mitt:  Oh!  This is wonderful!  Spirit of America, did you know I’m running for President of the United States?!

Spirit of America:  Yes, Mitt.  I know.  That’s what I need to talk to you about.

Mitt:  Spirit, this is such a tremendous honor for me.   I love this country and I’m going to-

Spirit of America:  Mitt, Mitt,  slow down.  We need to go over a few things.

Mitt:  Oh, I know!  Barack Obama has not done a good job as President.  He’s a nice man but our economy is-

Spirit of America:  Mitt, listen to me.  We need to work on your strategy.

Mitt:  What do you mean?  I’ve been pointing out that the President has not done a good job.  Did you see how after Obama’s ‘you didn’t build that’ speech I gave my own speech and explained that this country did not produce its Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Henry Fords by-

Spirit of America:  I know, Mitt.  I saw it and you’re right.  But you have to understand that your typical undecided voter doesn’t want to hear about Bill Gates and Steve Jobs.

Mitt:  But they are our great innovators!  Our great entrepreneurs!  They…

Spirit of America:  Oh, boy.  Look, Mitt.   Most people aren’t thinking about billionaires.  They just want someone who won’t stand in their way when it comes to creating their own level of wealth.  To be allowed to shape their own destinies.

Mitt:  Yes, shape your own destiny!  That’s exactly what Gates and Jobs did!

Spirit of America:  That is true, Mitt.  But not everyone wants to be the next Bill Gates.  You need to walk before you can run and Americans need to hear that you’re going to allow them to pursue their own financial dreams, big or small. That you connect to their perspective and won’t burden them with ridiculous regulations and crippling taxes.

Mitt:  Hmm…interesting.

Spirit of America:  Here’s the thing, Mitt.  You’re a tremendous self-made success story but you’re also a down-to-earth guy.  Obama’s the snob, not you. However, when you talk about technocrats worth fifty billion dollars you risk alienating people who otherwise want to be on your side.

Mitt:   I see!  You’re right, Spirit!   So if I focus on how Obama’s failed as a steward of the economy and how I’ll create an environment that allows Americans to reap the benefits of their own work then I’ll be shaping my original message so its accessible to everyone!

Spirit of America:  Correct, Mitt.  That’s the first step.  But there’s a bigger problem here than Obama’s incompetence.

Mitt:  But what could be a bigger problem than Obama putting this country into financial ruin?!

Spirit of America:  The bigger problem is that millions of voters don’t understand why he’s put this country into financial ruin.  They know the economy stinks but they don’t get how it’s Obama’s cancerous, Marxist ideology which has made the situation so bleak.  You need to explain this to them.  This is America, Mitt.  And Obama’s dream is to turn in into a totalitarian banana republic.  I mean do you have any idea how embarrassing the last three years have been for me? You should hear what the Spirit of Europe is saying about us, and don’t even get me started on the Spirit of China.  I swear, I get a hold of him I’m going to-

Mitt:  Spirit.

Spirit of America:  I mean where in the hell does the Spirit of a country whose claim to fame is ripping off designer golf clubs and cheating its way through the Oylmpics get the nerve to-

Mitt:  Spirit!

Spirit of America:  What?  Oh, ah, sorry, Mitt.  Anyways, yes, focus on the foundation of what made America great and what has distinguished it from the rest of the world.  Sure, you have more business sense in your pinkie toe than Obama’s entire administration.  But you need to make the voters understand that it’s not just about you being able to run the country better than Obama.  It’s about a return to the America Reagan envisioned as the world’s shining light.  Picking Ryan was a great start.  He’s a conservative’s conservative and looks like a sensitive Sylvester Stallone.  Imagine how your numbers are going to jump when you put the congressman on national television next to this?

Mitt:  Ha ha.  Biden.

I see though.  Convey to the people what I actually represent. Freedom, liberty, innovation, inspiration.  That I’m not just someone who knows how to run a business better than President Obama.

Spirit of America:  Bulls eye.  You need to make things very, very clear. Hammer away at the fact that our standard of living is so much higher than the rest of the world’s because of this country’s anti-big government philosophy.  Drive home the truth;  Obamacare equals lousy care; “equitable fairness” is achieved by stealing from citizens;  the middle class will lose the personal things they take for granted: their homes,  flat panel televisions, air conditioning, their dog, their savings account.

Mitt:  I know.  I know.  But if I come on too strong people might be scared away.

Spirit of America:  Mitt, you can’t worry about that.  Sure, way too many voters act like children when it comes to politics.  But if you baby them then they’ll never learn.  That’s why Democrats pander the way they do.  They aim for the lowest common denominator and tell it exactly what it wants to hear.  Obama is a master at this.  That’s what was so tragic about 2008.  An unpolished war hero like McCain couldn’t compete with a five-star professional snake.

Mitt:  You’re so right, Spirit.  You know I say these things in private but when I’m in public I always end up being so…so… affable.

Spirit of America:  I know you do, Mitt.  You’re a pleasant guy.  And it’s a good thing.  But you need to be able to drop the hammer and shake people out of their NFL and HBO worshiping slumber when you have to.

Mitt:  Yes, yes, drop the hammer and shake them out of their slumber!  That’s really good and I hate HBO.  Let me write that down…hmm, where are all the pens? I swear, every time I need a pen I can’t-

Spirit of America:  Mitt, you can write it down later.  I don’t have that much time.  The Spirit of Canada is very nervous and keeps nagging me to stop by to explain how you’re going to win in November.

Mitt:  Oh, sure, sure, no problem.  One thing I do worry about though is Obama’s coolness factor.  I seem to struggle with-

Spirit of America:  Mitt, Obama is about as cool as a fried egg.  Take away his teleprompter and he can’t even speak his own name.  You’ve got Ryan now and you’re already looking and sounding better because of it.  But for God’s sake, don’t be intimidated by the cupcakes in the media that gush over the President.  You rescued Massachusetts as Governor, created Bain Capital, saved the Olympics, and unlike our President, actually qualified for your entry into Harvard on merit.  Plus you graduated with two degrees.  Two degrees from Harvard grad school!

You don’t need to worry about Obama’s coolness, Mitt.

Mitt:  I see your point, Spirit.

Spirit of America:  You want Americans to like you.  But you need Americans to respect you.  Take it to Barack.  The best defense is a good offense and if you get Obama reeling he’ll fall apart.  He’s never faced a real challenge before.  And based on his antics over the last three years we know he has no chin.  He’s already freaked out by Ryan.  Just show America your strength and vision and Obama will crumble into the shady rabble rouser we all know he is.

Mitt:  Gotcha, Spirit.  Wow, I really appreciate you taking the time to speak with me.

Spirit of America:  Well, we’re all depending on you, Mitt.  Now get out there and save this country!

Mitt:  Thank you, Spirit.  I will!

Spirit of America:  My pleasure, Mitt.  Oh, hold on a second, another voice is coming through.  What’s that?  Oh, yes, hi, Canada.  How things shakin up north? Yes, I’ll be there in a minute.  Yes, yes, I’ll be there!  Calm down alright?  I’m just finishing talking to Mitt Romney.  Yes, he knows you’re worried about Obama too. Okay, just relax and have a Molson.  I’ll be with you in a few.

Sorry about that, Mitt.  Okay, I’ve gotta go.   Good luck.  We’re all counting on you. And remember, you surf and are worth 400 million dollars.  Obama rides a Schwinn and has stolen six trillion.

Go make me proud.

Copyright 2012 Spencer Wolfe

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-Spencer